October 14th, 2017
Heyy it's me, I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I don't even know if I'm feeling anything at all, and I'm not sure if I want to. This past month has been a rising roller coaster, I'm afraid of the moment it starts going down, I mean as higher you get as bigger your fall gets.
So I'm in a completely new school, I'm a completely different person, well actually I'm not a different person, I am me, purely me, at least the purest version of me. I finally can be myself around people in general, and that has been awesome, wow actually, people seem to be into this me which makes me feel really happy tbh. The feeling that I have to put on a persona every morning to go to school is gone, at least it feels like it. I already knew some people in my class but not too many, just enough that it feels amazing. I finally feel okay in my daily life. Well school sucks, classes suck, descriptive geometry sucks even worse if I'm gonna be honest. I finally fell that people like me for who I really am because I am not hiding, faking, pretending anymore. I am being ME. And I found friends that are as crazy and as random as me and my BFF which is absolutely great. I really like them, they are fun af, they're so damn cool, they're the type of people that you're proud of saying 'yup those are my 'best friends'', I am wowed by the fact that people as cool and awesome as them like me as a friend. But that makes me anxious because I'm afraid that it doesn't last. I'm afraid that if something happens this friendship turns to dust. But these thoughts are my insecurities taking over me, and I'm conscious of that but my rational side says that that might happen, and my whole body shatters just with that thought. But insecurities aside even 'the cool kids' think that my new friends are too cool for me, I saw it on their faces, that was a fun feeling and I'm proud of the person that walks those corridors everyday and that is cool with everyone and everyone is cool with her. I love feeling like a nobody and like a somebody at the same time.
But today has felt weird. It's a Saturday night and I procrastinated all day long. I have an important test on Friday and I desperately need to study but these though on the back of my head is not helping me out at all. It was exactly 4 years ago. 4 damn years have passed since you're gone and it hurts as much as it did a year, 2 years, 3 years ago... if you've never been through the loss of someone really important in your life the pain never goes away... it doesn't get easier... it just gets more manageable... day by day... step by step... it becomes more real... I mean it will always suck... it is not something you can get over... you won't I'm sorry... you just learn how to deal with the absence of that person... and that is fucking hard... it hurts... it destroys me inside and the fact that nobody talks about you... because I was so young and I wish I remembered more... but I don't... and I don't have that many physical memories of you that I can hold on to... It is here... the pain... but you're not... not anymore... it was 4 years ago but it doesn't feel like it was 4 years ago... I'm rational enough to interiorize the fact that you're not here, that you're gone, that you are nowhere, that you're just not.
So I'm in a completely new school, I'm a completely different person, well actually I'm not a different person, I am me, purely me, at least the purest version of me. I finally can be myself around people in general, and that has been awesome, wow actually, people seem to be into this me which makes me feel really happy tbh. The feeling that I have to put on a persona every morning to go to school is gone, at least it feels like it. I already knew some people in my class but not too many, just enough that it feels amazing. I finally feel okay in my daily life. Well school sucks, classes suck, descriptive geometry sucks even worse if I'm gonna be honest. I finally fell that people like me for who I really am because I am not hiding, faking, pretending anymore. I am being ME. And I found friends that are as crazy and as random as me and my BFF which is absolutely great. I really like them, they are fun af, they're so damn cool, they're the type of people that you're proud of saying 'yup those are my 'best friends'', I am wowed by the fact that people as cool and awesome as them like me as a friend. But that makes me anxious because I'm afraid that it doesn't last. I'm afraid that if something happens this friendship turns to dust. But these thoughts are my insecurities taking over me, and I'm conscious of that but my rational side says that that might happen, and my whole body shatters just with that thought. But insecurities aside even 'the cool kids' think that my new friends are too cool for me, I saw it on their faces, that was a fun feeling and I'm proud of the person that walks those corridors everyday and that is cool with everyone and everyone is cool with her. I love feeling like a nobody and like a somebody at the same time.
But today has felt weird. It's a Saturday night and I procrastinated all day long. I have an important test on Friday and I desperately need to study but these though on the back of my head is not helping me out at all. It was exactly 4 years ago. 4 damn years have passed since you're gone and it hurts as much as it did a year, 2 years, 3 years ago... if you've never been through the loss of someone really important in your life the pain never goes away... it doesn't get easier... it just gets more manageable... day by day... step by step... it becomes more real... I mean it will always suck... it is not something you can get over... you won't I'm sorry... you just learn how to deal with the absence of that person... and that is fucking hard... it hurts... it destroys me inside and the fact that nobody talks about you... because I was so young and I wish I remembered more... but I don't... and I don't have that many physical memories of you that I can hold on to... It is here... the pain... but you're not... not anymore... it was 4 years ago but it doesn't feel like it was 4 years ago... I'm rational enough to interiorize the fact that you're not here, that you're gone, that you are nowhere, that you're just not.
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